


can't go far, but you can always dream

by warmcuppatea



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Infertility, M/M, Miscarriages, Parental Death, Single Parenting, TTC, Trigger warnings:, Trying To Conceive, therapy settings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-11-16 14:28:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20841503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warmcuppatea/pseuds/warmcuppatea
Summary: louis is a doctor and harry's a doula. louis is busy and harry has time on his hands, and it all should be frustratingly complicated... but, somehow it's not.filling the prompt: single by choice parenting au.





	can't go far, but you can always dream

**Author's Note:**

> really quickly I want to put a few disclaimers out there:  
\- if you’re looking for smut, look elsewhere. I really tried to fit some in to satisfy people but this story just - it’s not what the story was trying to say.  
\- this deals with topics of ttc (trying to conceive), miscarriage, and death (of an original character) during childbirth (that is not explicitly detailed, just mentioned from the past). If these trigger you, please don’t read.  
\- this is a story of love and loss, and finding hope in the darkest times. It’s a story that explains that sometimes hope is a life dream, sometimes it’s a baby, and sometimes it’s a person you love. Sometimes it’s people who support your mental health and people who understand your struggle.   
\- also want to touch on the fact that this is for the mpreg fest and there’s not much mpreg in here. Obviously mpreg is about more than a round belly and a kink, and that is what I tried to explore here. What the actual ramifications look like for two professionals who chose to be single through different circumstances, with different outcomes. to me, a work like this was not only needed but important, and I hope others see it this way as well. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy. This work is dear to my heart, and I hope it touches you somehow.

“Alright, guys, we’re going to go ahead and get started, if you don’t mind giving me your attention.”

Louis cleared his throat and played with the cuffs of his shirt, trying to hide his anxious twitch. He’d been doing speaking arrangements since Maisy was two, but every single one made him just as nervous as the first time, and took him right back to that first day with her at the hospital. 

“As you all know, my name is Louis Tomlinson, D.O. I’ve been practicing osteopathic medicine since 2011, after I graduated from The London College of Osteopathic Medicine. Being a D.O has been a huge part of my life, and it was a goal I set from a young age. Another big part of my life is that I’m a dad, single by choice.”

As it usually did, this garnered a round of applause. The people who usually attended his conferences needed motivation and encouragement, and usually seemed to find it in the empowerment of choice. Smiling, he continued. “Thank you. I will say, though - for awhile there, it didn’t feel like much of a choice at all, really. When someone hands you the most beautiful, precious bundle of joy… You do whatever you have to do to protect it. And for me, that was deciding to do things by myself.”

“Sure, I was blessed to be a doctor, so money wasn't an issue. But, time was. For the first eight months, I cried every single night because I was scared she wouldn’t know who I was. Because I had to find a way to balance being a doctor and a dad, all alone. I had to find a new social scene of people who supported _ me _ , and _ also _ my baby.” He bit his lip, trying not to get too emotional. “See, the biggest changes in your life usually come after loss. And I can tell you right now - as much as I’ve done for that little girl, she’s the one who saved _ me _.”

+x+

Maisy was only three and a half months old when Louis founded SDBC. She’d had an awful bout of colic, and tears had been streaming down his face as he hopelessly googled _ how to be a not awful single dad _ . It’d been a rough week, rough month, rough _ few _ months since Maisy had been born. ** **  
** **

He’d learned a lot about being alone, about being a _ father _ in Maisy’s one hundred and six days alive on this planet. Learned how to make a bottle with one hand, how to vacuum with a baby on his hip and a phone pressed against his ear, learned that sometimes his heart could feel so full that it might explode, yet so empty at the same time. He’d learned of loss but mostly love, in the form of the bright blue eyes he got the pleasure of looking into every day, protecting with his life, loving with everything inside him. He’d learned that his mum gave better advice than anyone, but that Maisy was the best listener (even when most of Louis’ rants had something to do with her), and that Lottie was the first one he’d text during momentous occasions. ** **  
** **

But when Louis thinks back to that night, all he remembers is gut-wrenching pain. ** **  
** **

He’d been getting used to sleeping with the other half of the bed empty, been used to sharing all his dream out loud with his daughter so that there was someone there to hear him. But it was still hard to change what the concept of family meant to him, hard to feel joy when the big little things happened in Maisy’s life and he was the only one there to see him. It was hard to swallow the pill that he was the only family he had to offer her, that she would never grow up like the other little girls she’d encounter. ** **  
** **

He had such an incredible bond with Maisy, that most people couldn’t believe he hadn’t carried her himself. Because of their shared genetics, blue eyes, and crinkly smile, people didn’t even think anything of the two when they would come into contact with him. But he knew - every time he looked into her eyes, the brightest blue that he’d ever seen - that he wasn't looking into his own eyes, but rather his lover’s.** **  
** **

He’d decided the day after it happened that he’d do this all - parenting, raising a child up and showing her the world - completely on his own. Sure, he had the support of his mother, step-father and many siblings, but it wasn't long after Maise was born that he realized that his familial support didn’t make him _ not _ a single father. It didn’t make the long nights shorter, or the day care less expensive. There was no one to pop out and pick up diapers when he’d forgotten them himself, no one to cook dinner when Maisy needed a little extra attention and loving. ** **  
** **

On the particular night, when it felt like the waves of depression were drowning him alive once again, Maisy crying in the crib a few feet away from him, he’d searched it. A hopeless, pitiful attempt to gain some sense from the confusion. _ How to not be an awful single dad _ seemed like a good place to start. He was crying as much as Maisy was, tears rolling down his face as he read blog after blog, tip after tip from other dads that were in similar situations. He’d gotten lists that weren’t super helpful, some even foolish, before he found a repeating theme: _ find your dad tribe. _ ** **  
** **

_ It’s harder for dads to find their tribe, _ he remembers the website saying. _ Women seek each other out and cling, sharing emotional war stories of love and loss, heartbreak and gain, joy and envy. For men, it’s harder to relate on anything deeper than surface-level. Find your dad tribe, the men who you can open up to and be honest with. _ ** **  
** **

After a few laps around the apartment while rocking Maisy in his arms, he was back to Google once again - _ single dads near me, single dads near me NOT dating websites!!! , single parents who are men but not dating, single dads who want to be single - _ until he realized that what he was looking for wasn't out there, not yet. ** **  
** **

So the next day, in lieu of their stroll through the local garden, he strapped Maisy in her Moby and about they went, tacking up flyers all over town. _ Single Dads By Choice _ , was the name he came up with. Because as he’d found, there was some semblance of power in being single by _ choice _ . Four years later and tens of dads having come through his life, he knew he was right. ** **  
** **

So it had become routine, twice a week he would drop Maisy off with his mum, before heading into the local community center where he held SDBC. Children were always welcome of course, but as the leader, he never wanted to be distracted by his daughter’s antics. He’d lug something special every time - sometimes home made muffins from his mum, sometimes chips and dip, and others meals he’d made special for the group. He’d set chairs in a circle, play some relaxing background music, and wait. ** **  
** **

+x+

“Yeah, yeah. School shopping and tea this weekend, it’s on the calendar.” He said, phone crunched up to his ear by his shoulder. “Maisy Jo, stop jumping on the bed! Yes, Mum - we won’t be late. I know the babies have their dance recital in the morning.” He said, flicking the channel until finally settling on Polly Pocket, much to Maisy’s dismay.

“Daddy! This show is boring!” She frowned deeply, crossing her arms as she sat down on her bottom, right against the pillows on Louis’ bed. 

“Okay, Lovebug, what do you want to watch?” He exasperated, flicking through the channels again. “Barbie?”

“Power Rangers!” She exclaimed, pointing at the TV.

“Power Rangers, then. Be good and _ stay here _, okay? I’ll just be a bit. Knock if you need me.” He said, setting the remote on the nightstand, and finally walking into the bathroom, doing the lock behind him. “Okay, Mum, I really have to get going. Getting ready for work and all, trying to mind Maisy.”

He rolled his eyes and turned on the shower, listening to his mum talk his ear off. “_ Mum _. Maisy is doing just fine, she’s watching her Power Rangers and everything.” He said. “I’ll have to ring you later so she can talk to you.”

Once his mum was finally off the phone, he sighed, letting his shoulders relax. He had a few moments to himself, which was rare. Setting his phone aside, he stripped down slowly, before stepping into the steaming shower. He let the water wash over his face and his body, and out of simple routine, his hand found its way to his cock. Sighing, he shook his head and reached instead for the bottle of shampoo. It wasn't often he had time for _ that _ anymore, doing this whole thing alone. And while he could probably rub one off if he wanted to, it didn’t feel right with his daughter just a room away. 

Sure, this wasn't ever how he’d envisioned life being. But ultimately, when he swore to go it alone, this was what he was signing up for. Endless days, sleepless nights, and dreams of orgasms past. Though it left him unsatisfied, with bags under his eyes and extra weight on his shoulders, it was all worth it for Maisy.

+x+

Having a thing for the babysitter? _ That _wasn't part of the plan.

“Well, he’s not a _ babysitter _ ,” Liam had explained, sat across from Louis at lunch one day, stabbing at his salad. “He’s a doula. And he loves kids. He’s finishing up his Master’s and he’s needing to log hours with children of all ages. He watched Beck and he was _ amazing _. Louis - it’s free childcare, and you said yourself that you need to get back into the hospital for your own sanity, so why not help him help you help him?”

“A doula,” Louis huffed. “As an OB-GYN, I’d have thought you’d be the _ first _ to say what a load of utter _ bullshit _ that is -”

Liam rolled his eyes, interrupting. “And as an Osteopathic Doctor, you think that _ you’d _ be the first to say how doulas are not only patient advocates, but nursing specialists, usually certified dieticians, and how parents-to-be are often 77% more prepared for labor than those without?”

Louis rolled his eyes. Because he _ did _ know that, and he hated that he and Liam knew each other so well. “We’ve been friends for too long, Payno.” He grumbled, taking a bite of his sandwich. “Send me over his info, and I’ll see if we can work something out.

That was six months ago. And now, twice a week, Harry would come over to the Tomlinson household, a quaint cottage on the edge of Grays, right on the Thames River. They’d exchange pleasantries, talk about what Maisy was to be learning to prepare for Kindergarten, and then Louis would be off, white coat draped over his shoulder as he left. 

It felt unnatural for the first few weeks, leaving Maisy with anyone besides his Mum or Lottie, but soon he realized that Maisy _ loved _ Harry. 

“‘Azza can’t eat those,” Maisy would specify from her seat in the cart, as Louis wheeled them through the grocery store. “He’s _ vee-gan _ daddy. Means he doesn’t eat ice cream. Is there ice cream for _ vee-gans _, Daddy?”

All in all, it seemed like he had let Harry in at some point without even trying. Before he knew it, their house was full of vegan ice cream, kale, and some ridiculously priced protein bars that Harry was obsessed with. Louis figured it was the _ least _ they could do, considering Harry was doing all this for free in an attempt to get his degree and all… Louis knew _ exactly _ what that was like. 

“Maisy Jo, I know you’re excited to see Harry, but Daddy needs you to focus and help me put away the groceries.” He said, setting everything out on the counter. 

She gave an eye roll, but nodded, standing on her tip toes and helping to put up the items one by one. “This is the _ worst _ part of shopping.” She complained, carrying a bag of chips over her shoulder, lugging them to the pantry.

He couldn’t argue with her on that one. He laughed, settling all the cold items in the refrigerator. “I know, baby, but if we don’t do it now, you’ll have less time to play with Harry, because you know he wouldn’t let us leave them all out. What do you guys have planned for today?”

Maisy tossed the chips in the pantry (Louis liked to think she at least _ tried _ to aim for the correct shelf, but let them be little, he decided), before turning and grinning. “Oh, _ so much fun! _ We’re gonna do yoga, and go to the park, and eat ice cream, and read books, and color pictures, and play footie, and play in the mud, and then have a bubble bath, and jump on the bed and sing songs, and look at the stars, and-”

Louis laughed, picking her up and spinning her around. “That’s a lot for one day! You think old Haz is gonna be able to catch up with you?”

She laughed out, and Louis was so hypnotized, just watching her hair sway in the wind in the kitchen light.

“Daddy!” She giggled, clutching onto his chest as he slowed down. “Daddy, don’t go to work. Stay with me and ‘Azza!” She said, playing with the collar on his shirt. 

Louis sighed, tutting his lips. “Maise, we’ve talked about this. Why does Daddy have to go to work?”

She frowned, burying her head in his neck. When Louis tickled her side, she finally answered. “‘Cause Daddy goes and helps kids grow big and strong.”

“Atta girl. Now stop the pouting, okay? Daddy’s going to go get ready for work, and i’ll even let you watch some TV.” Maisy cheered at that and Louis set her down, letting her run up the stairs ahead of him.

Per usual, he was just straightening his tie as Harry rang the doorbell. 

And per usual, Louis would answer the door with an eye roll, leaving it wide open as he walked back inside the house. “Harold Styles,” He’d shake his head, a playful smirk on his lips. “I’ve told you good and well to just come inside. You practically live here, mate. No need to knock.”

Harry seemed amused by Louis’ antics. “Doctor Tomlinson, I’m only here two days a week.” He said, his voice filled with feigned innocence. 

Louis finally turned around at that, giving a chuckle. “Oh fuck, don’t call me _ Doctor _ like that. Makes me sound so fucking old.” He straightened his tie finally, laying it flat against his chest. “How’s the classes going, then?”

Harry made himself comfortable, sitting up on the dining room table and watching as Louis puttered around. “So far, so good. I’ve been focusing on getting my hours, obviously… But I’ve also been working on my thesis, and I’m teaching a class at the uni. So, I would say it’s going well. I can’t believe it’ll only be a few more months until I graduate.”

Louis smiled a bit, his heart beating a bit faster. “You’re doing an amazing job, H. And you’re helping so many people. Good on you.”

He loved watching Harry’s reactions, how he was so _ pleased _ that Louis was proud. “Thank you. Means a lot.” He said, bashfully, his cheeks a delightfully rosy color.

Louis - he didn’t know exactly when everything with Harry started. Sometime between being strangers just passing by each other on their way in or out the door, they’d become friends. More than friends, even, if Harry’s winks and random blushing was to have anything to do with it.

+x+

Coming into the house after a 16-hour shift at the hospital, the last thing he expected to hear was Maisy crying. Usually, it would put him into defense mode. His heartbeat would pick up in the effort to _ protect _ her, keep her safe. But, he already knew that she was in good hands. 

She’d been having a rough few weeks, adjusting to Louis being back to work more often than he usually was. She’d been throwing tantrums like crazy, but this was a new habit over the last few days: She’d act like she was hurt whenever she knew Harry had to leave.

“Maisy Jo? Harry?” Louis called, hesitantly, putting his stuff down by the door. He could hear his daughter’s forced cries coming from upstairs. 

He sighed and took off his tie and his shoes, hearing Harry calling back that they were in Maisy’s room. He felt so bad for disrupting her schedule, ruining her mood. Harry had told him not to feel bad, but it was almost impossible. He turned the corner into Maisy’s room, to find her teary-eyed. She glanced at him from where she was held in Harry’s arms, letting out another soft, pitiful cry. 

Louis’ eyes watched along as Harry’s fingers soothed through Maisy’s hair, holding her close and comforting her fears all in one go. _ He’s so beautiful, _ his mind couldn’t help but think, _ I wish I could kiss him right now, make his heart beat this fast so his is syncopating with mine _. 

“There y’go, Maise,” Harry whispered, smiling, rubbing her back. “A little knick, but you’re _ so _ brave.” He smiled. “Nothing a band-aid won’t fix. Does your daddy have any?”

She wiped some tears away from her eyes with balled-up fists as Harry set her down. “Y-yeah,” she hiccupped, “Nana bought me some Paw Patrol ones, ‘cause Daddy only had the princess kind, and I don’t want princess ones.”

“I _ love _ Paw Patrol!” Harry grinned, taking her hand with his own. He turned to Louis, their eyes meeting, Harry licking his lips before smiling. “Daddy, where are the band-aids then?”

Oh, Harry was going to be the _ death _ of him. “In the first aid kit, under the kitchen counter.” He breathed, trying to keep his composure. 

Harry nodded, kissing Maisy’s head softly and handing her to Louis, before walking off towards the bathroom. Louis wrapped his arms around her, kissing her cheeks until she was giggling. “Mm, hi sweet girl.” He smiled, brushing her hair out of her eyes. “Where’s this knick?” He asked, checking her fingers one by one.

Maisy held up her tiny pointer finger, but Louis found it to be knick-free. He kissed the tip of it softly, smiling at her. “It looks okay to me..” He trailed off softly, before adding, “What’s got you so blue, then?”

She huffed softly, burying her head in Louis’ neck. “_ Daddy _,” She sighed. “Can ‘Azza stay over? Please?”

Louis chuckled a bit, looking his way when Harry came back into the room. “Let’s talk about that tomorrow, angel.”

“One Paw Patrol bandaid for the cutest little girl I’ve ever seen,” Harry said, unwrapping it, before placing it around her finger gently. Louis’ eyes followed his fingers, watching as he smoothed over the band aid, before pushing the wrapper into his pocket. “A kiss from Daddy, and it’ll be all better!” Harry declared.

Louis obliged, giving her finger an exaggerated kiss, until Maisy was giggling and smiling. “There y’go, sweetheart.” He smiled.

Like clockwork, Harry’s phone buzzed, and he sighed softly. “It looks like it’s time for me to go. But, I have some Paw Patrol stickers I can bring next time I come, okay?”

Though Louis would like to believe it was the promise of stickers, the excitement he saw in Maisy’s eyes about Harry’s upcoming return was undeniable. 

+x+

"You know," Louis said, sparing a second to glance up at Harry, before looking back down at the cuppa he was making, pouring the hot water until it was just an inch below the rim of the cup. "My daughter seems to have some infatuation with you." Louis glanced up once again to catch how that made Harry smile. It shouldn't make his heart beat a bit harder, but it does. He should be more concerned with getting to work on time, but for some reason, Harry has caught his attention more than usual today. 

He hopes that purposefully being late to work doesn't break the oath he took to _do no harm_ when he graduated from Medical School.

"Does she?" He asked, licking his lips and trying to hide his smile as Louis gave a nod. "I seem to get on with her, also. I think it's because me and Maise just _get_ each other." He explained.

Louis pondered on that as he stepped aside to grab the milk from the fridge. Just a splash in his cup, and then he set it back, closing the refrigerator. He was curious. Of course, both Harry and Maisy were easy to love. That much was undeniable, he realized, as he took another glance into Harry's bright green eyes. But his sweet, sweet daughter seemed to _really love_ Harry. He'd been a bit jealous when he first noticed but now he just wanted to know why. "In what way?" He asked. Harry sighed, and frowned a little, and that just wasn't what Louis was expecting at _all_. He'd expected to hear tales of their days spent building forts and having pillowfights, and making cookies and playing pretend astronauts in the backyard at night, flashlights gripped in both their hands when Louis found them. Not a frown, no, that wasn't what he was anticipating. 

"Louis," He said slowly. Louis nodded shallowly before Harry continued. "I think sometimes, Maisy and I connect because when we're together, the norms just get thrown out the window." Louis' face must have shown how confused he was, because Harry continued. "Uh, I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to speak for her at all..." He trailed off. "But for _me?_ It's nice to come here and see her. And if I ask her to try and paint my nails, she doesn't ask any questions. If we want to pretend we're princesses, she doesn't laugh at me. And I don't say anything adverse if she loves the Ninja Turtles more than any Disney Princesses. To me, when I come here... It's just me and Maisy, and whatever that means. I don't bring over dresses and glitter and girly shit just because that's what people would _expect_, I bring things that she loves. We've watched rugby for the last few days because she's interested. She loves doing experiments from this baby science book my mum found for her, and she likes playing rough and dirty." He drawled on and on, until he finally sighed, looking Louis in the eyes. "I would never tell you how to parent, because I think you're one of the best dads I've _ever_ met-" He started. "But, Just because all six of your sisters liked princesses and dresses and glitter doesn't mean that's what your _daughter_ likes."

And Louis - feels a part of his entire _world_ crashing down around him. He grips the counter beside him, and any thought of him being late for work, or the traffic into London getting worse by the second, or even of Maisy waking from her nap any moment is just - _gone_. Because suddenly, its hit him. It shouldn't be a surprise to him, but it is. "I - I never thought about it." He admitted.

He didn't say it out loud how whenever they'd gone shopping, John just _lived_ for the fact that he was having a girl, that they could buy everything pink and frilly and gorgeous. He'd said he would be happy with a healthy baby, of course, but that he'd always dreamed of having a little girl. It was always so natural for Louis to think of those moments, when he'd be running late from work, thinking the only way his daughter would forgive him would be if he brought her something of a consolation prize to buy her love. He'd run into the toy shop and choose the prettiest Barbie he saw.

He always assumed that though Maisy loved him, that those Barbies reminded her of how Louis spent so much time at work. That _that_ was why they sat untouched on the shelf. But... No.

He had a daughter who would sit on the couch with him and scream at the TV during an intense footie match just as much as he would. She loved catching bugs in the misty, damp mornings of autumn, giggling as she'd try to sneak them inside to keep as a pet. She loved cooking and coloring and _hated_ the ballet class Louis tried to enroll her in, as something of a family tradition. She loved to sing and beat her hands on Liam's drumset, and loved playing with Beckham's old Hot Wheels when they would go over... And suddenly, while his whole entire world felt like it was falling apart, it also felt like it was making a lot of sense. 

"I'm the worst dad ever," Was all Louis could come up with when he was snapped back into reality, feeling Harry's hand resting on his shoulder. At some point in his panic, Harry had closed the distance between them. Louis couldn't stop himself from reaching out to Harry and embracing him, hugging him for dear life, because how was his daughter five years old, and Louis hadn't noticed such a big part of her until Harry pointed it out? "Fuck, Harry. She has every right to hate me."

Harry hugged him tightly, resting his chin on the top of Louis' head. "Oh, Lou, but she _doesn't. _She's little. She's just still learning what she likes and doesn't, and you're one of the best dads I've ever met." He reassured. "And she _loves_ you. Always talks about you day in and out, and how she can't wait to see you again. She thinks you're some kind of superhero." He smiled, before moving to meet Louis' eyes. "You didn't know and now you _do_. You're not an awful dad for not knowing."

He remembers back to the early days, when he'd cry in fear of failure all by himself. This... Doesn't feel like that. It should be _huge_, but it isn't.

Once he finally calms down, once Harry has convinced him that everything is _fine_, that the world hasn't stopped turning, not one bit, he gets into his car to head to work. He should be calling Lottie or his mom to cry, he feels. It should be _huge_... But somehow, it's just not.

+x+

“I’m sorry, Maise was having a fucking terrible two’s moment, even though she’s _ five,” _ Louis huffed, dragging the chairs haphazardly into a circle. He was running late, and dads were due to be showing up to SDBC any second. “Like, what the _ fuck _ is that about? I thought we were over the random tantrums. And _ Lord _ , apparently I’m the _ meanest daddy ever _ because I told her she couldn’t go play outside in the snow before H showed up.” ** **  
** **

Liam laughed a bit from the other side of the room. “Louis, shush. I told you, I don’t mind stopping off if you ever need some help,” He insisted, laying out a veggie platter, some fresh fruit, and some mini water bottles, before moving to help Louis form the circle of chairs. “And mate, I hate to break it to you, but Becks is _ still _ going through that phase. He’s my little angel... until he’s not.” Liam half-joked. “We’re all the worst dad every now and then.” Liam said, on a softer note. ** **  
** **

It was a nice reminder sometimes, that perfect Liam wasn't actually so _ perfect _ . ** **  
** **

“When Harry was logging his hours watching Becks, Becks would _ constantly _ tell me how he wished H was his daddy and not me.” Liam admitted, laughing. “In the moment? I was a right puddle of tears. I was so embarrassed, I didn’t even want to talk about it here. But, now he’s learned on his own that he may love Harry, but that I’m meant to be his dad.” ** **  
** **

“I suppose I should get used to it, then. The sass and whatnot. And the whole Maise loving Harry thing...” Louis grumbled, slumping into a seat once they were finally arranged. “If Maisy is _ anything _ like _ any _ of my sisters, I’m surely in for it. Mum’s always calling me and telling me of the things that Daisy and Phoebs do, and I’m just _ dreading _ it.” ** **  
** **

Liam laughed at that, sitting down beside him. “Y’know, boys can be awful, too. I got into so much shit when I wasn't much older than Beckham, so I can’t _ wait _ for that...” He shook his head, smiling. ** **  
** **

The thought had Louis laughing. “Okay, that’s true. I don’t think Maisy could be as much trouble as I was if she tried. Girls are just a whole different _ kind _ of problem then lads.” He grinned, before glancing at his watch. They still had about five minutes until people were due to arrive. “How was work?” ** **  
** **

Liam shrugged. “I delivered two babies today - twins. It was a very sweet moment, they held hands right as soon as they were next to each other.” He smiled. “Mum was healthy, it was nice and simple.” He explained. “It was the kind of day I dreamed of in med school - no problems, just sheer happiness. How about you?”** **  
** **

Louis relaxed into the chair more, smiling at Liam’s story. “Same old. I did a couple appointments this morning before Maisy woke up, then just tried to catch up on some office work. And then, just before I was to drop her off at my mums, she just - spazzed. Said she didn’t want to go, started screaming and crying and -” Louis took a breath, shaking his head. “I felt _ so _ awful leaving her with Mum like that. She was just screaming and tears everywhere - lord knows why. She was in a fine mood all day.” ** **  
** **

Liam nodded, sighing. “Well, maybe she just didn’t want you to leave? You two really are attached at the hip.” ** **  
** **

Louis scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Tell me about it. I’m just worried though, with her getting ready for Kindergarten, that we’re taking a huge step backwards.” He gave it a moment of thought. “Harry seems to be helping. She’s quite the handful, so I do appreciate it. I just…” Louis sighed, rubbing his face. “Sometimes, it’s just hard to think that it’s been five whole years since John passed. Sometimes it feels like a fresh wound, and sometimes - _ fuck _ \- sometimes, I feel like I’m starting to forget parts of him myself.” ** **  
** **

Liam frowned softly, listening. “Louis, you have to let yourself heal, mate. You’ve been through more in five years than some people go through in an entire _ lifetime _ . You’re loved, mate. You have a family and loads of friends who care about you. Sometimes, it’s a _ good _ thing to accept help. Can’t fuel others if your own tank is running low.” ** **  
** **

Louis closed his eyes, the soft image of green eyes appearing in the darkness. The feeling of safety and love wasn't too far off, but he didn’t find it in him to bring that up yet. “You’re a good friend, Payno.” He decided on, opening his eyes to smile at him. “Maybe I’ll even watch Becks for you this weekend.”** **  
** **

Liam’s brows raised. “You better be serious,” He said, because really, he knew Louis too well. “Say it once more and I’ll tell my Dad I’m taking him to the Man U game.” He said hesitantly.** **  
** **

Louis was nothing if not a martyr. “Oi, _ sure _. We’ll make a proper sleepover out of it. Set up me footie set in the backyard and show Maise and Becks how it’s done. Call Papa Payne away, then,” He laughed, before standing to straighten his shirt. “The daddies are starting to show!”

+x+

“Alright, alright, wave goodbye to your daddy then, Becks.” Louis said, patting him on the back and giving a wave, watching as Liam’s car pulled away. 

Beckham didn’t seem phased, instead opting to rush inside and toss his overnight bag down. “Uncle Li, what kinda crazy sort shall we do tonight?” He asked, buzzing.

Louis forgot just how much energy young boys actually had. Quickly he squatted so he was closer to Beckham’s level. “Shh, you’re gonna wake up-”

“Becks!” 

Louis cringed a bit, hearing Maisy’s just-awoken screech from the top of the stairs. Truthfully, it was his own fault. He’d told Liam when to drop Beckham off, and he should’ve chosen sometime _ after _ nap time. 

“Maisy, let’s go have a kick-about!” Beckham cheered, before looking at Louis for an affirmative.

Louis gave in easily, giving a playful eyeroll. “Alright, Becks, put on your outdoor clothes then, okay? Can’t have your daddy getting mad that your clothes got dirty. Maisy Jo, let’s go find your football boots, okay?”

+x+

“Alright, alright, alright! The ball is back in play! Maisy Jo has it, but Becks comes in for the steal and, oh! Maisy keeps it! Running across the pitch, she shoots, and she scores!” Louis cheered, beer in the air. “That’s my girl! But, Beck’s seems to be up for a great recovery, coming around the back of the pitch and stealing the ball for himself!” Louis took a swig of his beer, following them down the sidelines of the ‘football pitch’ they were using, laughing as Maisy tried with all her might to catch up to Beckham. “C’mon Maise, move it! You-”

“Is this what you do when you’re off the clock, then?”

Louis gasped, turning around in a fright. His heart was beating a million miles per minute, brain scattered and confused as he saw Harry standing behind him, a soft smile on his face. “Harry? Bloody hell, you scared the utter _ shit _ out of me!”

Harry grinned, and Louis had to lick his lips to stop from smiling at the way his dimples popped. “Oh, sorry.” He said, but he didn’t really show it. “I mean, I saw your car in the carport, so I knew you were still here. Had me thinking I was running late there for a moment, when you didn’t answer the door.”

Louis spared a look at the babies. While Beckham could be a right pain in the ass, he was being sweet to Maisy and letting her win currently, so Louis decided he was allowed to get a bit distracted. “You knocked? Fuck, H, hope you weren’t waiting out there too long.” He said, running a hand through his hair, in an attempt to calm his nerves. 

Harry shrugged a bit, smiling. “Not too long. I just - uh. I was more worried you were going to be late for work?”

Louis’ head tilted, and he looked at Harry for a few seconds in confusion.

Harry’s cheeks pinked. “Uh, see,” He began, and Louis could tell he was rambling from nerves. “I checked my Google Calendar three times, to make sure I hadn’t come on the wrong day, or forgotten a daylight savings day, or something bizarre… But, uh. It’s 17:30 on Tuesday, so usually, you’re halfway to London by now?”

Louis took a look at his watch, and surely, it was 17:30 on a Tuesday. But finally, it clicked. “Oh. _ Oh _. I actually have tonight off work.” He explained. “There’s a new doc, an expat from India, new to osteopathic medicine. Wanted some extra shifts, and I could use some more time with the kiddos.” He smiled. “You remember Beckham?”

Harry nodded, but he seemed concerned. “Yes, Liam’s son. Sweet, spunky boy.” He said, glancing over Louis’ shoulder at the kids playing. “I didn’t know he was going to be here today, actually. Liam didn’t mention it when we spoke this morning.” He paused just for a second, but didn’t give Louis enough time to respond. “When Liam recommended you to help with my hours, I didn’t realize you guys were…”

Louis blinked a few times, not following. “Uh?”

Harry’s cheeks got even redder, if possible. “You know?” He must’ve realized from Louis’ face that he did _ not _ know. “Uh, that you two were _ otherwise involved. _”

Louis didn’t understand for one, two, three seconds, until he _ did _ . He found himself doubling over in laughter, hands clenching his stomach and his beer long gone, unable to even meet Harry’s gaze for a whole minute. “Oh my _ god _ , Harry. You’re gonna fucking kill me. I’m babysitting! I would never even _ snog _ Payno!”

Harry gasped, and Louis looked up to watch the rest of his beer spill all over Harry’s white t-shirt. “Oh shit!”

“Bloody hell, why am I such a knob?” Louis spluttered, wiping feebly at the wet spot on Harry’s shirt with a sigh. “I have a shirt you can borrow. C’mon, inside we get.” He said, before turning around. “Becks, I’m popping upstairs for a mo. You’re in charge, keep Maisy in line.” He said quickly, before pulling Harry inside behind him.

Harry was a blushing mess, shaking his head. “Oh, Lou, it was just an accident, it’s okay!” He said, but followed along, tripping over his feet a bit but seeming to recover, catching himself on the countertop as they got inside the house. “Fuck, Lou. I’m so sorry. I’m here, ruining your day off. Taking you away from the babies.”

Louis rolled his eyes, turning to look at Harry. “After all this time, do you really think you’re ruining _ anything _?” He asked, deciding to be bold by taking Harry’s hand in his own. “You know, you’re allowed over even if you’re not here to watch Maisy.” He said, brows raised.

“I - don’t want to interrupt what you have here.” Harry said softly, sighing, as if he was revealing the biggest secret he had within him.

Louis scoffed. “What do I have going?” He teased, shooting him a smile. “You mean the stacked laundry on top of the dryer? The dishes undone in the sink, and nothing started yet for dinner? We’re flying by the seat of our fucking trousers here, Harry. You know that.”

He swallowed, sighing, taking a step away from Louis. “Your _ family _, Louis.”

It was so rare that Harry called him Lou_ is _, that Louis stopped to listen more. Frowning, he realized that Harry had tears in his eyes. 

Harry took a breath before continuing. “I know shit’s not perfect, but look at all you have? You have a beautiful daughter whose smart as _ fuck _ , confident as hell, and beautiful as anything. You’re fucking _ fit _ , Lou, so no wonder there. But you just - your life might have messes like laundry and dishes, but you actually have your shit together because it means your house is full of _ love _. You have a beautiful, brilliant daughter and people in your life who love you right where you’re at, which, I know it’s not like your final destination, but I think it’s pretty damn good!” Tears were flowing now, and Harry wiped them away hastily.

Of course, though, Louis noticed. This conversation had turned a lot deeper than he expected, but he wasn't going to laugh or run away. No, Harry was putting himself out there, and Louis was going to meet him right where he was. “Hey, it’s okay, H. Breathe for me.” He said, stepping toward him and rubbing his back gently. “You’re right. A family is something to be proud of, and you know I’m surely proud of that sweet girl. But you have a lot to say for yourself, also. You’re still young. What, 26? You’re practically a baby still. You have time to finish your schooling and settle down, yeah?”

Harry nodded, hands covering his face. “I lost a baby last year.” He whispered.

Louis tried to process through that. Losses of patients were never easy, and Harry was still so new. “I’m so sorry. It’s such a hard thing to lose a patient.” He said softly, but was stopped from continuing by Harry shaking his head.

“No,” He tried to breathe, body shaking. “I lost _ my _ baby last year. I feel like I start to get better, start to get _ happy _, and then I just - sadness hits me like a fucking brick wall. I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t know where this all came from.” 

Louis had been trained for moments like this. He’d done clinicals in emergency rooms, giving patients the worst possible news. He’d given terminal diagnoses. But for some reason, Harry’s admission hurt his entire core, watching Harry’s usually bubbly form crumble before him. Because he _ knew _ Harry, though it didn’t always feel like it. He knew Harry’s dreams and ambitions, knew how he took his tea in the afternoon. Knew him to be an encourager, always lifting others up, a constant source of positivity. 

This was a different story. He found himself speechless, his mouth opening and shutting twice, before just pulling Harry into a tight hug. Sometimes, words weren’t enough. 

He held Harry’s shaking form in his arms until the tears were long gone, kissing his cheek softly. When he pulled away, both of their shirts were damp with beer and a few tears of their own. “C’mon,” Louis said softly, taking his hand. “Let’s go get changed.”

+

Two hours later found Louis with Harry still in his house. Two bathed kids between them, Beckham asleep on the love seat and Maisy in Louis’ lap. Pizza boxes littered the table, and the credits from their movie were rolling, but in the moment, all Louis could care about was the hand intertwined with his own, and the green eyes that were leaning in to kiss him.

+x+

“Y’know, I’m not broken, or something.” Harry said, voice soft.

It had been a morning full of sleepy smiles, sunshine, and wrinkled sheets. It was their third or fourth sleepover, but this time Maisy was with his mum and there were no deadlines looming ahead of them. 

They’d been taking this slow, whatever _ this _ was. Louis would take whatever amount of Harry he could get. Babysitter, friend, lover… He wanted all of it, his mornings, midnights, and sunrises. Harry was a warm cup of coffee on a cold autumn morning that Louis just wanted to wrap his hands around. Hearing something this sad, this heartbreaking coming from his mouth had Louis’ mouth set in a frown, turning where he was under the sheets to face him. “I don’t think you’re broken or _ anything _, Harry. I think you’re strong. Strength comes in many different forms. You’ve been through a lot, and you’ve come out on top, stronger than ever.”

He sighed. “I just - you _ look _ at me different sometimes. Like you can see right through me. Like I’m fragile and I’m _ not _ -”

“H, fragile isn’t always a bad thing.” Louis sighed. “We’re not always unbreakable. The breakable is what makes us human.” 

Harry didn’t seem convinced, and that - just wasn't _ okay _ with him. It wasn't good for Harry to seem so deflated, comparing himself to everyone else, expecting his life to line up perfectly. Louis swallowed, “Have I ever told you about the night Maisy was born?” 

That got Harry’s attention, and he turned, propping himself up on his elbow. “No,” He said softly, licking his lips. He thought for a moment. “Was it magical?”

“It was, so completely magical…” Louis said, before sighing. “But it was also the worst night of my entire life.” Harry was such a good listener, letting Louis take his time, breathe, and continue. “It was a night we’d been dreaming of for almost a full year. My fiance had always dreamed of being pregnant, of holding our sweet baby in his arms. He would sit in her nursery every night, just rocking and reading picture books. He’d say he was practicing how to be a Daddy.” He smiled, biting his lip softly at the memory. “His pregnancy was perfect. He was healthy, we were happy, it was everything we ever wanted… Until it wasn't.”

It took a few seconds for Louis to calm himself enough to continue. “His contractions started perfectly, but sped up dangerously quickly. I was so nervous, but I figured it was the fact that my whole life was about to change; that I was about to become a Dad. Until the pain started to show. John was so strong, he’d breathe through monster contractions like it was absolutely nothing. And right when I noticed signs of fatigue, I did a quick exam. The baby - H. The baby was breach, and the contractions were speeding up - and _ fuck _. I knew we needed to get to the hospital and fast.”

“I got him in the car and drove as carefully as I could. It was the middle of the night and dark outside. I was driving quickly but under the speed limit because I wanted us to get there safe. I just-” He sucked in a breath. “I never thought that _ I _ might not be the reason.”

Harry waited, lip worrying between his teeth. When it took a bit longer than he’d expected, he wrapped Louis up in a hug. “You’re _ so _ strong, love.”

“A sixteen year old ruined my life.” He said, knowing Harry could hear the tears in his voice. “A sixteen year old wanted to drive home drunk from a party. They t-boned me when they ran a red light, and -” Before Louis could even control it, the tears were spilling. “He died on impact, the way he was sitting to stay comfortable, made his spinal cord snap. When I held Maisy in my arms for the first time, Liam having settled her against my bare chest to calm her down… it felt impossible. Surreal in the best and worst way. She was completely perfect. But everything was so, so _ wrong _. The sympathetic looks from all my coworkers. The way I had to learn how to feed her and care for her when I felt like my work was falling apart. When I’d lost the love of my life. I’d never felt so empty and so whole.”

“Maisy Jo,” Harry breathed, a hand running through Louis’ hair. “Jo, as in John’s namesake?”

Louis nodded and smiled. “In my mind, it is. He’d always wanted to call her Maisy Jo after my mom, because he admired her so much. But honoring him just fit better.” He paused, letting his hand fin Harry’s and grabbing ahold. “Broken isn’t always a bad thing, Harry.”

+x+  
  


The became attached, after that.   
  


They fell into a natural rhythm - Harry fit into this little life they’d somehow created. It felt so natural to wake up beside him, Louis realized. It felt right to watch him with Maisy, teaching her letters and words to read and it made Louis’ chest tighten. 

In his mind, he knew it was something they both wanted, but hadn’t discussed. He was trying not to think about the... Ramifications of fully letting Harry in, letting him be stable for Maisy in a world where she had only had Louis before.   
  


Some days, it felt like a safe haven. Other days, it felt like a cold sweat running down his spine. He felt selfish. The sex was better than he could have ever imagined - the sexual tension between the two was palpable, like a live wire waiting to be touched - but Louis was never one to let sex (even mind blowingly good sex) determine his life decisions. And lately, he felt allowing Harry in was his way of letting himself take the easy way out.   
  


“Uh..” Harry said, rucksack over his shoulder, frowning as he watched Louis step outside the door instead of letting him inside. “May I come in? Did I forget we were practicing manners today?”

Louis sighed softly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea today.” Was all he said, decidedly looking at the ground and not Harry’s disappointed frown.   
  


He knew Harry knew something was wrong, but if he had deeper questions, he didn’t voice them. “Who will watch Maisy?” He asked, and Louis could hear his voice shaking.

”Me.” Louis said, running a hand through his hair. “I’ve taken something of a mental health day... I just have some things I’m trying to work through.”

”Some things about us? Because that’s the only thing that would explain why you’re acting so weird.” Harry said after a decently awkward pause. “You know what? Fine. I won’t ask any questions - But just, you don’t get to just push me away when you decide it. I have feelings too.” 

Louis watched him walk away and sighed. “Harry..” He tried.

Harry’s head turned, eyes softer than they had any right to be. “Oh, Lou..” he said, running back to embrace Louis in a hug.

He hadn’t even noticed he was crying until he felt his tears seeping into Harry’s shirt. “I’m sorry-“ he hiccuped. “I don’t want to push you away. I’m just fucking terrified. I just want to be okay and I feel like every time I start to get happy, things begin to fall apart..” he tried. 

Harry wiped Louis’ tears away with his thumbs, before placing a sweet kiss to his lips. “Broken isn’t always a bad thing, Louis.”

+x+  
  


”So, what are you saying?” Harry asked, in what Louis hoped to be anticipated excitement. 

It was another lazy, sunny morning in bed. Maisy was off with Liam and Louis and Harry were all loose limbs and soft kisses, not getting nights like this together often. Sure, they had sex. But they spent all night after talking and dreaming and holding hands and kissing freckles, and somehow that felt like the most intimate part of it all.

Louis swallowed. “I’m saying that, if by some chance you got, you know.. Pregnant. That it wouldn’t be the worst thing?” He said. Before Harry could cut in, he continued. “Because you want a baby. And I’m - you know. Capable of assisting with that.” He tried to explain. “And Maisy Jo wants a sister or brother, and I kinda fucking love you -“

Harry stopped him. “You - you love me? Enough to have a baby with me?” He asked carefully, as if his question could change the way Louis’ heart had begun to syncopate to his every time they were in the same room.

Louis just laughed. “I want everything with you. I want to kiss you in the morning, and watch Maisy graduate high school, and I want to see you pregnant, because having a baby is life changing. And I want your life to change with me in it.” He said, biting his lip. “Nothing is gonna full the hole in your heart, H. From your miscarriage. But... Rainbows come after rain.” He smiled. “I want to be here for you for that.”

Harry was tearing up, but wiped at them quickly. “What about SDBC? I guess you aren’t single anymore.” He said, suggesting.

Louis scoffed. “Harold. Are you suggesting that we’re boyfriends?”

Harry hugged him tightly, attacking his neck with kisses. “I was thinking something more like soulmates, life partners, twin flames... But for now, boyfriends will do.”

+x+

“I can’t believe this is our last time doing this...” Louis said, sitting down in their circle of chairs, looking over at Liam.

For once in his life, Louis was early. There were some moments in life that you wanted to hurry though when there were good things coming along. Even though SDBC was born out of loneliness and grief, it was one of the best things he’d ever done. And he wanted to dwell in that today.

Liam smiled. “It’s your last time. I’ll hold down the fort for you, though.” Liam said, sighing. “It’ll be weird setting up these chairs by myself, though. I know that obviously we were friends before this... but it just won’t be the same without you, Lou.”

Louis didn’t have time to get teary eyed, not yet. “Shut up, Payno. No reason to get emotional.”

Liam rolled his eyes. “Just for a second? Okay. I’m really happy for you and Harry. You’re both good people who have been through a lot of hurt, and you deserve the happiness you bring each other.” He said finally, smiling. 

“Fuck, here come the tears, you actual dick.”

liam laughed and stood up, pulling Louis into a hug. “Dry your tears, Tommo. I can hear the lads arriving.   
  


Louis wiped his tears with his sleeve and went with Liam to open the doors - to SDBC, to his future with Harry, to a long life with Maisy, and to more love than he could’ve ever counted on.   
  


+x+ S I X M O N T H S L A T E R +x+

Coming home from work, the house was oddly quiet.

He’d expected to hear Maisy running around and the giggling of Harry chasing her, giggles echoing off of the living room walls and filling the hallways. As Louis hung his coat up and toed off his shoes, he heard none of that. 

“Harry? Maisy?” He asked, looking around. He turned the corner into the kitchen and stopped right in his tracks. 

There, standing in the kitchen, they were. Harry, tears in his eyes and a smile on his face, and Maisy, wearing a _ promoted to big sister _ shirt.


End file.
